October 24, 2026

Not sure how I can be so deeply sad when I am surrounded by overwhelming beauty.

This was a bad food day, not that the food was bad, not that I ate too much, but that I spent too much time wrestling with myself about it and in the long run did not eat what I should have eaten. I did eat some good food and I did not eat the whole chocolate cake or the miniature pumpkin pie, not even bites, but I did eat too many carbs and not enough vegies.  I don't want to eat vegies.  I just want to eat fruit, meat and cookies.  But mostly, I find it so terribly annoying that I am still arguing with myself over the same ground.  Addiction is boring.

Am I allowed to spend one year of my life on the ocean again? I really want to.  But what I  want is a place to write by the water and a routine that allows me time for writing and time to take care of myself.  In order to do that I need an income.   I need to make some money, pay off my debt and stabilize the routine in order to continue.  I like life,

My ride was very  pretty today.  But I am filled with grief and I need to move through it.  I did actually get some things accomplished this week, but I spent most of it pulling myself away from the depression edge.   I am going back to writing 5 things a day I am grateful for and freewriting 15 minutes a day.  That is my intention.

1.  The moon

2. green grapes, no matter how common  they are, they are the  best

3. Friends who I love to catch up with

4. The ability to sit and watch the river go by.

5.  Places where I feel safe.