August 21, 2026

 In 1988 I went through a crazy medical emergency.  It took almost a year for it to come to a place where it was diagnosed and could be treated, which it was, initially under emergency conditions.  This seems to be the way my body operates.  When I went through that experience I suffered from extreme fear of doctors and the medical world and had to put my faith in my Mother and my then therapist's judgement and literally do what they said at the ripe old age of 35.   I worked hard to get beyond that fear and anxiety and through childhood medical trauma.  I was successful because of the work I was doing with my therapist and because the medical world worked hard and getting me to trust them.  

Now we speed ahead almost 40 years and I find the old trauma and old anxiety banging around loudly.  That is because the medical system itself has stopped being client centered.  I am due to have surgery and Tuesday and the exact time and definite surgeon won't be known to me until the day of.  Efficiency and cost effectiveness are the ruling variables, not the patient's comfort level.  I feel all my old anxieties showing themselves, their little heads popping up in my dreams and fears of being constrained, tied to tables zoom through my memory.

I'll be all right again because of the amount and the quality of love that surrounds me.  But I'm going to have to write about how wrong the medical world decisions are.  Not knowing the doctor that is about to operate on you is frightening and cannot possibly be good for my blood pressure.  But I am excited about having the last procedure completed and the last IV line created on my body for a long while with any luck.  I'll just continue to do my positive visualizations and ask all of you for your light.  Thank you so much for it, thus far.

Aug. 21, 2025

I had a good day today.  I had visits and Sarah and Billie came and brought me lunch and Jo made me dinner.  I got bills paid and I am beginning to feel myself, slowly.   Tomorrow Annie will spend some time with me, that's both family and friend. Maybe we can sit outside.  I took a couple of trips out onto the porch for a bit, but I'll walk to the mailbox tomorrow.   Another day.  Thank you.