April 8, 2025
When your heart is wide open it doesn't filter what to let in and what not to let in.  Friday evening opened my heart wide and opened the doors to all of the messages floating out there for me.  It's been like today's weather, snowing and sunny.  


I experienced a new phenomenon at the rookery today.   It was 33 degrees  at 430 and one minute it was snowing and the next it was sunny, but cold.  The ducks were out a plenty.  Clumps of earth and dead reeds and cat tails kept breaking off the rim of the pond and floating where the wind was taking them.  One large clump got hung up on driftwood, one made it all the way across and another sank half way in.  I'd really never seen that happen before.  Every year the reeds grow thicker and push the shore further out, but today it was trimmed back.    

My heart isn't exactly broken tonight, but it is allowing itself to feel an old break.  

Jay Davis introduced me to Jerzy Kazinsky, Tom Waits, Charlie Simic, Russel Banks and Heinrich Bohl, he gave me White Hotel to read and we have loved each other since 1975, 50 years, I still love him, I will always love him.

I cannot believe I wrote this poem 25 years ago. Charlie Simic wrote me a personal rejection notice. He was judge for Mudfish and I had submitted it. I was so excited by his note.  I think I still have it.




                        25 YEARS 

I am a single creature.

I wonder about too much, daily.

I hear noises from the woods,

            birds speaking too early,

            awake before dawn - I push the sounds away.

 

I want your kisses back

            I want to not want anything more than you

            kissing me on my mouth, on my cheek -

            no arms holding me - just the comfort

            and harshness of your kiss.

 

I am alone with these thoughts. 

 

I pretend it doesn't matter.  I pretend

            someone else will do.

 

I touch you.  I ask you to

            just lie on me - don't touch me

            don't make love to me

            just lie on top of me .

            Your weight is almost too much

            and I wonder if I want you

            to stop me

            from breathing.

 

I worry that you won't go away

             will you come back again.

 

I cry when you leave and

            I reprimand myself - how stupid this is

            after 25 years -tears flow

            and I say stop it and I stop feeling

 

I am myself.  I am another bird

            who voices her existence at 4:30 in the morning.

            I am a large bird - my voice is large

            and I wonder if that is why

            you don't come often any longer.

 

            I say "go away" - no I'm kidding

            I understand - come back when you can.

            I say "go away" - no don't take me seriously,

            I'm kidding - I'm a bitch.

            I say "God damn it - go away."

            No - don't -  ever.

             Just kiss me once more -

            please once more - don't use your hands

            just your lips

            I know - you love me.

 

I understand after 25 years -

            you stay away because you love me.

 

 

I dream of another who swims

            into deeper water

            and treads water while he kisses me.

 

I try to think of all the others

            I hope that one

            will  fit  a little snugger - a little deeper

            a little more comfortable than you.

 

I am by myself.  I am alone

            with my comfortable chairs

            and the indented creases left

            from the perfect fit of your mouth.


 

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