Aug. 4, 2025

Mom's wedding picture, 6/23/47

6/11/1919 - 8/4/2010

15 years ago, time takes on this non-real, abstract quality, and while on one hand it defines so much, on the other it defines nothing, it is made up.  I have been a little self indulgent today spending most of it combing through photos and setting up an altar.  I did that 15 years ago, too.

This trip down Memory Lane started a couple of nights ago when I watched a video of Jason and Becky's wedding in August of 1995.  We have lost several people in that 30 years.  In Mom's speech she says she was the oldest person in the chapel.  She was 76 at that point.  That doesn't seem old at all to me.  And yet, 15 years later, at 91, she was gone.  Do I have only 15 years in front of me?  Will I not ever meet Eliza's significant other?  I don't know.  

I tell the truth though when I say Mom is with me everyday.  She's in all my recipes, and made a lot of the clothes I still wear.  She reminds me to get up, get dressed, do something, it'll make you feel better, and for God's sake, what do you want for dinner?  

I watched that video and I listened to people's voices, Eric D. is still making people laugh and Geoff still walks around a room making sure everything is ok.  Paul will take the pictures and I will try to say something poignant.  Michael and Barb are gone.  Jay no longer shines that charming smile to the bride, oh how I love you.  And that flock of kids, including 3 year old Kora.  That was a wonderful day, 30 years ago, 15 years before the August Mom left this realm.  That August, Moriah and Grace brought the kids to camp out in my yard, we waited to hear from Paul of Mom's passing.  2 days before she went Grace and I went down to say our good byes.  I'm so glad I was with Grace.  She has her Grandmother's Grace.   

I love my forever streaming family.  I love all of the talent and all of the humor and the care for the earth.  I love the attention to music that keeps showing up in the next generation.  Mom has soon to be 2 great great grandchildren.  I love the color and the fact that we're not lined up straight in those wedding photos, but Mom made many of the clothes and the friends on the other side of the field are still smiling back at us.  

I went to Staples and bought a new journal.  I can't afford Moleskin any longer.  I decided to go to the rookery backwards.  I drove up to Z. Fiske from Shelburne Rd and did the loop in the reverse.  It changes the whole perspective.  

The farmers are definitely making use of the calmer weather, although it did reach 86 today and the air quality is horrible.  But there was much hay making in the pastures. 

There were several flocks of birds.  Just as I stopped to photograph the beaver pond I looked behind me and a single turkey stood in the road.  He was soon followed by at least two families full of adults and babies who couldn't quite figure out what side of the road they wanted to be on.  A truck drove by and the other half flew to follow their leader.

And in the rookery there were a couple of families of geese across the way.  The only bird songs were of gold finches making.   I don't think as many wild flowers grew along side of the water or road this year.  And I must have been too early for deer grazing today. 

There were goats out and the thistle has begun to take over.  That will make them happy.  

Yes, I've been a little self indulgent today, but I think it's ok to face grief.  I've had a lot of it over my life and I think by facing it and expressing it, I get to face and express all of the joy, too.  I hope all my ancestors are playing music tonight.  I can almost hear it.  I love the sound of the flute and piano, Mama.  Thank you.